I thought I knew what love was but in reality I didn’t learn even a fraction of the depths that word meant until 2018. Even after a series of engagements I didn’t know what romantic love was, let alone that true, earth shattering, world quieting love.
The minute I met your father it was clear to me how gravely mistaken I’d been assuming I knew. Our love was vibrant and beautiful, complicated and worth fighting for. At its core it was factual. There was never a question of if we loved on another. It simply was.
When we decided to have you I heard a lot of what I assumed were cliches about the love one has for their child. I can now confidently say that there aren’t enough poems, songs or heartfelt cards in the world to capture the true wealth of true expectation shattering love I have for you. You changed our world. Every minute since you got her has felt more real than the twenty-nine years I spent on this planet before you. More beautiful, more important.
I love you so much it’s frightening. Frightening in the sense loving you has made me fear mortality for the first time in my life. I can’t imagine not being around to watch you grow up, to hold you when you need comfort, to cheer for you when you’re proud of yourself, to smile back. Along the same vein I know that one day you will have to be in this world without me, and all I can hope is that it’s with hundreds of thousands of good memories of our time together.
Sadly, this moment and the next aren’t promised. You may find yourself in this world without me earlier than you’d ever hoped even if you’re turning seventy years old. So I wanted to write this letter to you, if you ever needed to hear from me. I’m proud of you, as long as whatever you’re doing makes you happy. I love you always, every minute of every day. You are the most significant person I’ve ever met. Even when you were the smallest, you had the biggest impact on me and our life.
I can’t even express the gratitude I have that I get to love you. That I wake up every morning to your beautiful smiling face. That I get to watch you learn to navigate this wide wonderful world. That you inspire me to make decisions that will leave a better earth for you, despite the fact the generations that preceded you have done a piss poor job of it. You inspire good, you create joy and you are so uniquely you it makes my soul sing. I can’t imagine a better gift than watching you grow. I can’t imagine a greater love than you.
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